Phenomina

I got to experience what is apparently a common phenomena first hand this last week or so.

I am currently 10 1/2 weeks pregnant, and last Thursday (at 10 weeks) I got to see my baby happily dancing away with a very strong heartbeat by ultrasound. Why the ultrasound? Maybe I should start from the beginning.

This pregnancy has been different from all of my others. My symptoms were stronger. I actually had morning sickness, cramping, and food cravings. What's more, I was very easily tired, often to the point of exhaustion where I'd spend a day or more in bed to recuperate. I thought it was probably due to me getting older, but at 7 1/2 weeks, something made me think differently. My uterus decided that it should be the size of a 10 week pregnancy. Twins?

By 9 weeks, it was the size it should be at 14-16 weeks and contained two separate, firm little lumps, one high and the other low. What's more, at 9 1/2 weeks, I started feeling fetal movement. Yes, that's early. Way early!!! I normally feel it at 12 weeks, which is still very early, but this . . . it seems impossibly early. Even so, I was definitely feeling it, loud and clear. I was having twins! I was sure of it.

Then the cramping started. Hard. No blood, but it felt just like labor. And it took hours to go away. I would have been very concerned if I couldn't feel the babies moving. As it was, it was past hours at the doctor's office on a Friday evening, and I knew from past experience, if I was miscarrying, there wasn't much that would or even could be done about it. There was no hemorrhaging, no blood at all, so there was no emergency. Rest and water. Eventually it went away. And since I still felt very pregnant, and the babies were moving, I let it go.

Come Tuesday morning, there was spotting. Very light and brown. Most likely from the cramping on Friday. I finally called the doctor, but again, I felt quite pregnant, so I wasn't too concerned. I'd come in if there was any more bleeding or cramping. I had a doctor' appointment in a week after all.

Wednesday, I started cramping again, not as bad, but bad enough. Now I was worried. Really worried. Was I going to loose the twins? My husband gave me a blessing, assuring me of a healthy pregnancy. That helped, but my anxiety wouldn't fully go away.

Thursday morning, I called the doctor and got an ultrasound appointment set up for early afternoon. Then it hit me. I was loosing/had lost one of the twins. My pregnancy symptoms were still there, but they wen't as strong. I had energy! I checked my uterus, and it was smaller then before. The lump on top had become hard. The bottom lump was busy buzzing away at my cervix. I had lost the top twin. Now to confirm it.

It was a relief to see my baby on the screen, kicking and dancing away. But there was no second baby. What there was, however, was a solid mass of . . . something. . . at the top of my uterus. Right where the other "twin" had been. I had experience what is called "vanishing twin syndrome". I had lost a twin.

Someone said it's like having a funeral and a birthday at the same time. It's so true. I'm very grateful for the dancing baby in my belly, but it hurts that the other was lost. A lot. A whole lot. I've wanted twins my entire life, and I'd been getting so excited anticipating it. All of it. Both the fun and the hard stuff. And then it was gone. I may never have the chance again. It's heartbreaking really. And then I feel my little one kicking, and I have to remember I haven't lost everything. I have a healthy baby on it's way, so why am I crying? I should be happy right? I am, and I will be eventually. Just give me time. But for now, I'm grieving.